Embers in the Ashes
by mahtra
Summary: AU, post 4x05 "Poison Pill": They said they shouldn't worry. That it was relatively easy to treat. Until it wasn't. (not beta'd)
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Embers in the Ashes

AUTHOR: mahtra

CHAPTER: 1

RATING: T

UNIVERSE: AU, post 4x05 "Poison Pill"

SPOILERS: spoilers for S4

PAIRING: McSwarek

SUMMARY: They said they shouldn't worry. That it was relatively easy to treat. Until it wasn't.

DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners,  
creators, or producers of any media franchise. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in  
a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: As far as I know there hasn't been a reported case of antimicrobial resistance for B. anthracis. This scenario is fictional, but considering the laisser-faire attitude towards antibiotics for livestock not completely improbable.

AN: _Nothing fancy as Mr. Foyle would say. I had this one lying around for ages, always more of a drabble than a real one-shot and I don't intend to write more than two chapters for it. I thought I am going to post it anyway. Someone might in enjoy it._

* * *

Court days are tedious. He hates it. The waiting. Being stuck on a bench outside, not knowing when it will be finally his turn to go in and raise his hand, speak the stupid oath and tell them all what this particular scumbag did to waste his time here.  
All the while the pile of paperwork on his desk will grow higher and higher. Waiting for him to come back to the station. And guaranteeing him that he won't make it home tonight before nine o'clock.

And as if his luck couldn't get any worse he sees her then. About to sit down on the bench one courtroom over. Somehow she is moving slower lately. As if she is sore from too much exercise. Sam wonders what she is doing in her free time these days. Is  
it still basketball or has she found something else?

In this light her skin looks washed out. He knows the fluorescent lights are not flattering for anyone, but she really does look pale right now.

One last breath and he stands up. Forces himself to walk over to her nonchalantly. The time it takes to get over there is less than what he would have liked it to be. He gives her a small smile.

„Hey."

It's all he can bring himself to say. He just can't… He doesn't know where to start.

„Hey." is all he gets back.

There is not even a smile. Her face is completely empty. As empty as her greeting sounds. Even he couldn't do a better pokerface than that. He can't read her anymore.

He sits down next to her. Not too close, but as close as normal colleagues would sit. Thinks that some topic of conversation will come to her eventually. She is allergic to silence.

But instead she leans her head back against the wall and closes her eyes. Sam waits for the yawn. She always yawns just after she closes her eyes like that.

He wonders how many night shifts she has done lately. The circles under her eyes are shockingly deep. There is still no yawn from her. It terrifies him. Have they been apart long enough that she could have changed something so intuitive already?

He studies her some more. It's rare these days that he can look at her so closely; lets his eyes roam so freely. He misses it. Misses seeing these tiny crinkles at the corners of her eyes and around her mouth. Laugh lines they are called. He doesn't remember  
when he last heard her laugh. He admonishes himself. What is he doing? He is with Marlo. Andy is just a coworker, a former partner now.

The bailiff opens the door and calls out „Constable Andrea McNally.".

She opens her eyes and he scoots away from her a bit more. He feels like he is too close to her.

Like he has been caught. When he looks around he registers that no one has noticed anything.

The sigh she lets outs is almost a groan. Her hands search for leverage next to her seat and she pushes herself up. She does half a step and her hands shoots out. Just now she is less standing there as much as leaning against the wall.

„McNally?" he asks.

The way she acts has him worried.

"Andy?"

This is not her normal behavior. He wonders if she is coming down with something.

„It's alright. Just give me a moment."

She takes a deep breath. Takes her hand off the wall.

And faints.

Sam has seen a few fainting spells over the years. Fake ones from perps trying to gain sympathy or trying to escape getting arrested and real ones after accidents or shocking news. Andy's faint is the scariest he has seen so far. She is just crashing  
down. Not bracing herself. Just falling to the floor with nothing to catch her. The noise of the impacthas Sam's heart stopping. The thud her head makes on the carpeted floor is too loud. It echoes in his ears.

And then he is over her. Shouting her name. Slapping her cheeks. Rubbing her breastbone like he is taught. Shaking her whole body in the process.

Her skin is warm. Warmer than it should be. Her breathing shallow. His hands shake so badly he can hardly find her pulse, let alone count it.

He has the feeling it has been ages, but finally the paramedics arrive. The way they act pulls him back into reality. Their calm and collected manor oozes professionalism. Their questions are short, but precise. It reminds him that they are no longer  
part of each other's lives. It's not him they should ask if she might be pregnant. He doesn't know.

His heart plummets. He doesn't know. He doesn't know if there is a chance she might be pregnant. She might be pregnant and he wouldn't know. A voice in the back of his mind tells him that this is not really the issue here and that he should focus,  
but he doesn't know what is going on in her life anymore. He doesn't know.

The paramedics are kind. They have met them before. Back when they were partnered. They know they were close. So they give him permission to ride with her.

At the hospital the doors swing shut behind them; he isn't allowed to follow them anymore. He stands there alone and catches a glimpse of despair before he pulls himself together again. He reminds himself who he is and what has happened.

He gets his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, doesn't really know why. To see how long it to change his world? Check in at the station? He is not sure. Nash number is still in his caller log. He tells her Andy is in the hospital. Their conversation  
is short. She is already on her way when she hangs up.

Then he dials his Detective Sergeant's number and tells him that he needs to reschedule his testimony. Asks him to inform Frank about Andy, too. And then he is alone. Alone in this building full of people. And he remembers. Remembers the last time he  
was here.

Was it really just this morning that he complained about court days?

And hour later he gets a call from Marlo. She tells him she is in hospital, too. They called her and stuck her in an isolation room right away and have constantly run one test or another on her. She tells him how they asked her a million and one question  
since then; repeatedly inquiering wether she had felt sick in any way since she came into contact with the contaminated heroin. Apparently McNally had still tested positive for anthrax bacteria earlier and now she was not responding to this second  
round of antibiotics as she should.

* * *

**Reviews are immensely apreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

TITLE: Embers in the Ashes

AUTHOR: mahtra

CHAPTER: 1

RATING: T

UNIVERSE: AU, post 4x05 "Poison Pill"

SPOILERS: spoilers for S4

PAIRING: McSwarek

SUMMARY: They said they shouldn't worry. That it was relatively easy to treat. Until it wasn't.

DISCLAIMER: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. No copyright infringement is intended. References to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER: As far as I know there hasn't been a reported case of antimicrobial resistance for B. anthracis. This scenario is fictional, but considering the laisser-faire attitude towards antibiotics for livestock not completely improbable.

NO MARLO-HATE PLEASE. Whatever you think about Marlo and her storyline later on; at this point she hasn't done anything wrong. The whole point of the episode was her being on bipolar medication.

* * *

He is stricken. Doesn't really know how he should act. He knows however how he wants to act.

He wants to sit by her. Keep watch. Make sure she won't leave him. Not again. But how can he?

They are over. He had months to come to terms with it. Actually he had come to terms with it. But then... Then she came back and all the progress he had made went right out of the window.

Now he sits in a waiting room in a hospital and can't decide. Down the corridor are two women. One he isn't allowed to see and desperately wants to. And one he should go and see. Who would be happy to see him.  
He rubbs his eyes. Wishes the decision could be made for him. Wishes there was a way out for him without anybody getting hurt. He doesn't want to hurt Marlo. He never did. He didn't think of her as a placeholder. Or did he? A small voice in the back of his head asks. "No!" he says to the empty room. He feels like he is better than that. He knows how it feels to have his feelings trampled on. He wouldn't do that to another person. He isn't that egoistical.

But slowly he comes to the realization that he has lied to himself. That he had merely convinced himself to be over McNally without actually being over her. If he had wanted to there were plenty of hints for him to see. How he went into overdrive when Collins and McNally went missing. How good it had felt to see her again that first time. How he had to force himself to be polite and colleagual towards her. How the only way he could cope with the thought of loosing her by pushing away any and all thoughts of her and focussing his attention solely on Marlo.

He remembers the night after the anthrax scare vividly. He remembers lying awake at night, fighting the urge to get up and drive over to her place. To let himself in and just crawl into bed with her and hold her. Make sure she really was ok and not going anywhere. But he never left his bed. He stared up at the ceiling; tossed and turned. All the while careful not to wake Marlo. When he woke the next morning he had made up his mind: He would let McNally go. Once and for all. It was no use.

Now he feels like reproaching himself. Maybe he should have gone and seen her. Maybe he should have made sure she was ok. Because obviously she wasn't.

He knows what he has to do next but dreads it all the same. It is never pleasant to hurt another person, but Marlo deserves better. Marlo deserves some honesty. The chance to find someone who will make her happy. Because for Sam it has become clear now. He can't be that person for her. His heart belongs to someone else already.

When he is finally allowed to see her, she is hooked to a bunch of different tubes, IVs and whatever all these things are called. Old man McNally is sitting next to her. It makes Sam a bit cautious. He has no idea what he has heard about him. About them.

His grunted "Sam" as a greeting doesn't make it clearer.

"How is she?" he inquires. But doesn't get much of a reply.

He sees Thommy's fingers playing with something. It looks like a sobriety chip. Sam guesses Andy's father is fighting the urge to drink right now. Sam knows how much he would like a drink right now. How much harder must it be for a sober alcoholic?

"You know there are meetings at the hospital, right? If you want you can go. I will stay here with her. I promise I will get you if anything changes."

Andy's dad nods gratefully, his fingers white with tension as he holds on to this plastic disk.

And then Sam is finally alone with her. He wants to take her hand. Wants to hold it against his cheek, warm it, feel its softness, but it looks so frail. So small and thin. He has to be careful.

He is afraid in the next little while he he will have to be careful quite a lot. But he is determined to repair what he and Andy had. He is finally ready to put in the necessary effort. What they had, what they felt for eachother is too precious. It is worth fighting for with more than promises.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING THIS AND THE LOVELY TIME I HAD IN THIS FANDOM.


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